Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Totally Not Hockey-Related

by Anne

I feel the need to update but I have absolutely nothing hockey-related to say.

The thing that's been on my mind the most is how much I can't stand the girl who sits next to me at work. Let's call her "Bessie". I'm convinced this girl isn't real and she is in fact an elaborate prank to wear on my psyche. Honestly, if I were to describe in detail the things this girl does, it would sound like I was just trying to tell a story and it wasn't all true.

Here are some of her finer points, and this isn't all of her best material either:

Bessie spends at least two hours a day on the phone chatting with friends and family, sometimes she gets into literal screaming matches with them and the entire floor can hear her, yet senior management says nothing.

Bessie once screamed for a 1/2 an hour over the phone to someone named Barbara about how Precious stole her job at the bar

The last day before Christmas she brought her son (aged 11) into work to hand out gifts. When the secretaries on the floor decided to do a wine toast in the conference room, she declared that she only drank top liquor and then gave the glass of wine to her 11-year-old son, in front of everybody. I was not present for this event, but its been described in detail to me twice by 2 different people. Did I mention her son is 11?

She openly discusses how when her sons are really bad she hits them with a belt

Bessie doesn't use the possessive form of words. Instead of saying "Go to Grandma's house," she chooses to say "Go to Grandma house." I find this incredibly annoying and it is now one of S(h)ara's favorite things to shout at me

Bessie once told our boss that, in order to find out something for him, she could call a friend of hers that works for some government office. He's going to tell her because he's always trying to sleep with her. Our boss is a married-with-3-kids-conservative lawyer around the age of 40. I accidentally brushed my hand against his today and still feel uncomfortable about it.

She started working at my office in October and since then, I think she's worked 1, maybe 2 full weeks. She leaves early, on average, twice a week. Last week it was 3 days. Yesterday she left 3 hours early.

She uses the printer at my desk, and is frequently coming into my workspace. When she needs to staple something, she rifles around on my desk until she can find it. My personal space barrier is about 8 feet when it comes to her.

Bessie isn't actually qualified for her job, she always has to ask me questions, and her job by definition means she should know more things than I do.

Bessie has 2 cell phones that are always on and ring frequently, most of the time on vibrate which is still incredibly loud.

She never says goodbye on the phone. I never talk to her on the phone, but I hear her just hang up the phone seeminly in midsentence all the time.

She's ugly.

She listens to 1 radio station that seems to play the same 18 songs on repeat all day. If I hear "Sad and Lonely" by Keyshia Cole one more time, I'm going to scream. Its an annoying song anyway, but try listening to it when its almost too quiet to hear it, but you still hear her repeating the same melody line over and OVER AND OVER.

She hums and sings along to the radio which, to me, is incredibly annoying when anyone does it, let alone at work and when the songs are bad.

She annoys me so much that even the sound of her typing is driving me slowly insane.

I feel better now.

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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