Monday, May 12, 2008

Happy (Belated) Mother's Day!

by Anne


Team USA v. Finland:

That game sucked. A LOT.

I swear that game was played at even strength for roughly 3 minutes. The 2nd period was like constant power play for one team or the other. It was totally ridiculous. I was cooking during most of the game, so it didn't get my full attention. I'm not sure if the teams were just being sloppy or if the refs were whistle happy. Seriously, the game could've been super fun if you'd taken a poll as to which team would get a penalty next and what it would be. They had every conceivable combination: 5 on 4, 5 on 3, 4 on 4, 4 on 3. The possibilities were endless.

Esche had a few great saves and one INCREDIBLE save. A Finnish player hit it hard to Esche's skate and it bounced high, angling back towards the net and Esche had to reach behind him almost to the goal line to stop it. I said it a few posts ago- he's playing in Russia -DARCY, SIGN HIM.

That first Finnish goal was total BS. It DEFINITELY went in through the side of the net. It was completely obvious from the above angle that it went in through the mesh on the outside of the pipe. Completely ridiculous. I'm SO MAD that Finland won. I can't even tell you. BULLHONKY.



This about sums up that game.


Ugh, whatev, on to the NHL:


Yay! Pens win!!!!!! I hate end of the period goals against. Its kind of deflating, but whatevs! Pens win! Sid gets a goal! Yay! Talbot with the game winner! Yay! Maxime Talbot is pretty sweet. And he's somewhat bangable too...each day I discover a new Penguin's picture to cut out and hang on my wall next to my Jonathan Taylor Thomas snapshot torn from the pages of Tiger Beat circa 1993.

I need to call something to your attention:

Jordan Staal's descent into Grizzly Adams territory is quite frightening to me. I can't find a picture that fully encapsulates how weird it is, but just go search it out. He's one of those players that seems to have decided to completely forgo all personal grooming habits for the duration of the playoffs. His hair is hanging down far below the back of his helmet in this strawberry blonde little tail and he has one of those awkward beards that doesn't travel farther north than his jawline. Throw this on top of an already prominent jaw, his frighteningly pale skin + blonde hair and the effect is mesmerizing. Shots of him on the bench are just downright spellbinding. If anyone has closeups of this, please advise. He's only 19 but all of a sudden he looks about 65. He's already one of those guys that manages to teeter on the edge between "I'm going to call security." and "Hey there, here's my number." Look at a picture of him pre-playoffs and then look at him now. He goes from cute to hobo in three chin hairs. I like my Staal's a little more clean-cut, thank you very much.


I've been saying it for months that I'm pretty sure Tyler Kennedy is the ugliest guy in the NHL. Ok, ok, maybe that's a little harsh, but he's certainly not bringing up the team's overall sexiness. However, watching him beat the tar out of Scottie Upshall last night was pretty sweet. If Tyler Kennedy weren't good, I'd say get rid of him, it's seriously dragging down the team's bangability. Don't disagree, if you were given a roulette wheel with every Penguin on it and you got to do or hang out with or cook for or whatever with whichever Pen your ball landed on, and you got Tyler Kennedy you wouldn't be pissed? You could've had any other number of far more sponge-worthy gents, and you got this guy:


Whoa.

I'd be calling up my local congress-person and demanding a re-spin.

Continuing on the do-ability of the Penguins: I try so hard to love Sid unconditionally, but I just can't. I try to be ok with Sid's facial hair, but I'm just not. That nauseating shrieking laugh when he scores a goal sounds like a 13 year old playing Dungeons and Dragons and he just killed a monster or blew up a house or cured a disease or invented cold fusion or whatever it is you do in that game. It's high pitched and not butch at all. Just watch his shootout goal celebration in the Ice Bowl and you'll hear exactly what I'm talking about. It's terrible. I had perceived him to be moderately do-able until I heard that. And then, OH GOD NO, no, no thanks, I'll pass. God, I'd almost rather do Tyler Kennedy... ew, fuck that, never mind, I'll take Yippy or Grizzly.


On the Ribeiro slashing thing: Osgood speared him first and then what a DIVE! Get Chris Osgood an Academy Award for that crap. Hey! Maybe I can start having any sort of opinion on the Red Wings! Right now I'm still pretty "eh, who cares" about them.



Private to Evgeni Malkin:

Geno, please don't hit Danny in the head. I don't like that. He may be a slag-faced whore, but you chew on your clothes...it balances out.

Love,
Anne



Private to Danny Briere and Marty Biron:

I'm sorry you're on such a gross team and I can't cheer for you. Danny, I'm sorry you're going to lose in the Eastern Conference Finals for the third season in a row. Hey, you could've faced the Penguins earlier had somethings changed, and then you wouldn't be where you are now. It's because Danny and Mike Richards are slag-faced whores. Vanek is a slag-faced whore and that's why we're losing. But it's Kevin Lowe's fault, not his, so I think we'll bounce back faster. HAH!

GO PENS!

Love and I Wish You Were Still Sabres,

Anne

3 comments:

  1. Oh man. I hear you on the Sid facial hair. So. Ugly. He needs to shave it off, I don't care. Just... stop.. the stache. He looks sooo better without it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree on the Sid facial hair. I love the playoff beard tradition, but if you can't grow one, don't try. Sid's attempt is just embarrassing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As much as Sid tops my list of bang-able Pens (for reasons I cannot even figure out) the 'stache really needs to stop. I am LOVING how he looks in the press conferences with his curls sticking out from the Pens cap, but the chops are just gettting pathetic. But I guess I can't complain because the beard means he's still in the playoffs.

    And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who literally shields her eyes when Tyler Kennedy comes on my TV screen.

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


Disclaimer, yo.

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We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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