Thursday, October 9, 2008

Pirates Roster Photos

by Anne

I love roster photos. LOVE. THEM.

I have a great affinity for players who suffer from RPP or Roster Photo Panic. I summed it up best once in a post about Mike Weber:

*After reviewing his interview yesterday, Mike "Doof" Weber is actually an attractive young gent in a "I think you might try to kill me, but that's kind of hot." way. He, like many before him, appears to suffer from "Roster Photo Panic." More commonly known as "RPP." A disease in which, once seated in front of the camera, you instantly regret every photo that's ever been taken of you. That, coupled with the pressure of the fact that this will be the most widely viewed and reproduced photo of you for the next year, overcomes you and instead of making any facial expression, you simply stare, blind panic at full-tilt, at the camera, hoping some semblance of a smile is on your face, but ultimately fail (see: Stafford, Drew). Although, some still manage to take a humorous photo (see: Pominville, Jason and Campbell, Brian).
So I hopped over to the Pirates website to check out the detailed roster and happened across some (but not all) of the team roster photos. Anyway, after perusing them, I've come to 2 conclusions:

1. Almost every single player appears to have been dragged off the ice, dripping in sweat, toweled off and had their picture taken, mid-shift.

2. Whoever did the lighting hates them all and wants them to look like serial killers (I'm so tired I legit almost typed cereal)

*clap clap clap clap clap*
I mean, A+, Mr. Kostka, you have yet to take a bad roster photo
Aces sir, ACES

Why before this pre-season have I never taken note of Mark Mancari's more superficial aesthetically pleasing attributes?

To me this picture says "I'm Tim Kennedy and all I want to do Is take a shower."
Seriously, did they just pull him off the bench during a scrimmage, yank the helmet off and plop him down?
Timothy fared better in these photos than some of his teammates

Ummmm, Chris....?
Are you concussed?
Did you take a tip from Vanek and catch 40 winks in the car?
Is this definitely Chris Butler and not a homeless man found peeing on the zamboni?
Is his left eye all swollen or is it always like that?
Well, no worries Chris, Millsy's got "wacky eyes" covered, so if that's just swelling, its ok



  1. Why before this pre-season have I never taken note of Mark Mancari's more superficial aesthetically pleasing attributes?

    I TOLD YOU ALL THAT HE'S FREAKING GORGEOUS!!!!! Isn't he though, I mean, just LOOK at him!!! No one around Kim and I at the Red Carpet thing could understand why were freaked out when they announced that he was getting out of the car. Now you do, at least.

  2. Glad I'm not the only one who loves roster photos. They are just so reminiscent of awkward school photos that you pray will never see the light of day.

  3. Okay, from the side, Mike Kostka looks exactly like Pommers. At Puck Drop people in the Tim Connolly/TJ Brennan line kept saying Goose was on the otherside with Pommers, and I had to tell them 'Uh, no, Pommers has darker hair.' haha.

    Did you take a tip from Vanek and catch 40 winks in the car?
    I almost choked on my M&Ms from laughing so hard, thank you.


Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

Disclaimer, yo.

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We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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