Thursday, May 7, 2009

Someone Please Give This Man a Hockey Team

by Anne

Someone please explain to me why Celine Dion is a) on my iPod and b) why I'm not only not changing the song, but kind of singing along? "Its all coming back to me nooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!" My favorite thing about that song is the bizzaro verse that was cut out of the radio edit and everyone always looks really confused when that part comes up. Ok sorry, enough about Celine Dion.

Friggin Jim Ballsilie will never friggin' go away. The man seems willing to give a kidney or another vital organ that might not come in pairs to get a FRIGGIN' NHL team. Why can't he have one? I mean I know all the reasons but poor Jim has this one dream that Gary Bettman is stomping all over.

Everyone's lighting the torches at Jobing.com Arena saying things like "Bankruptcy! Lack of attendance! The League's taking over! BURN IT DOWN!" Lest we forget Sabres fans, waayyy back in 2002 (sarcasm people) basically the exact same thing happened to the Sabres. The League had to take over our financially crippled team (Ok the Rigas' family was in jail but still). Hockey doesn't belong in Phoenix and it isn't like teh team has been there since the 60s or 70s. They'll get over it.

Tell him to move the team to Manitoba or Saskatoon or some place in Western Canada far away from Buffalo. Then we won't have to restructure the conferences and what not, just the divisions.

Jim Ballsillie is going to lose his mind if someone doesn't sell him an NHL team soon. He's like the reject hanger-on little brother who just won't get a clue and go away. Does this mean Gary Bettman is the quarterback of the football team? HA. Gare-bear.

Quick informal poll: Why can't we have North and South Conference? Then everyone has a crappy travel schedule and the Canucks and Avs can stop whining. This might be a lot more expensive travel-wise but that is not my primary concern which is why I will never be the CFO of a corporation. I've sat in class and figured all this out, Gare, call me. We'll do lunch. You're buying, kthanksbye.

Or we could be the like the NFL that divides up their teams into the AFC and NFC without any rhyme or reason. I can TOTALLY do that. Give me that flamingo hat I was going to make Lindy wear for my entertainment and I'll create two conferences. A division of the Lighting, Islanders, Thrashers, Avalanche and Kings would be HILARIOUS. They'd have such warped stats it would be phenomenal.

What's that you say? I have papers to write. Sigh. Off I go.

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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