Thursday, November 12, 2009

An Open Letter to David Backes

by Anne


Hey David!

How's it going? How's your wife? Is she still in school? How about all those puppies you two rescued? How are they holding up? Great!

I thought you might like to know some interesting factoids about how my season as a hockey fan has been going.

First off, the Sabres are doing well, thanks for asking. They lost two stinkers over the weekend but finally beat Hotmonton (as Drew Stafford called them) last night. Drew Stafford scored a goal! It was spiff-o-riffic.

Hey! You and Staffy have been teammates at the World Championships the last two seasons. How exciting for you both! You must be so happy for him!




Look! There you both are!
Hooray

Good times.

Hey, also, this season I started my first fantasy team! I know! I'm excited too! I drafted you! Yeah, really! Isn't that great? I had just named you my favorite St. Louis Blue and you were all foxy and swift for team USA at the WCs in May and it was warm happy fuzzies so I picked you up! You had 54 points last season, 31 goals! That's great! Smiles and happiness.




 HappyFunTimes


So here we find ourselves headlong into November. Teams are shaking off that "new season" smell and starting to show their endurance or lack thereof, injuries are piling up, some players are returning and the real muck and grind of the season begins. This season's stars are starting to shine, rosters are being shaken up, all sortsa stuff is going on around the National Hockey League. I'm first place in my fantasy league, but this week's lead is tenuous. I'm playing a tough opponent, I need all my top players to produce!

That leaves me with one question:


HOW DO YOU ONLY HAVE THREE POINTS IN SIXTEEN GAMES?

Are you hurt? BADLY? What is the DEAL? Pick up the PACE, BUDDY BOY. Don't MAKE me drop you or switch to a new favorite St. Louis Blue. Eric Johnson is waiting in the wings, my friend. At least VINNY has twelve assists to go along with his pathetic TWO goals. He has FOURTEEN points in fifteen games. That's just under a point per game pace. SWEET. YOU, sir, are on pace for fifteen points for the ENTIRE SEASON.

MATT GREENE HAS MORE POINTS THAN YOU. MATT. GREENE.

SNAP OUT OF IT, KIDDO.

I took a quick picture of myself while writing this post so you can truly see my displeasure at your lack of production, DAVID:


Fear my wrath
FEAR IT.

Love and smooches,

Anne

2 comments:

  1. This post made my day, thank you. (:

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was hilarious, I have read it more than once :)

    I too drafted Backes, but gave up on him long ago...

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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