Monday, January 28, 2008

Our All-Star picks

By S(h)ara and Anne

(but typed by Anne)

Sabretooth's House is pleased to bring you the result of hours of debate and investigation on our own All-Star roster. We've scoured the Eastern Conference, plodded our way through the West. Examining roster photo after roster photo, delving deeper into our investigation so ascertain the most important questions of them all:

Which players would be selected on teams of All-Star Hottness?

S(h)ara and Anne began their tireless search to answer this question that has plagued both woman and man kind since the beginning of the 2007-2008 season. After hours of pouring over photos and searching out evidence to make our case, we feel we have put together 2 rosters that exude a level of sexiness and lovability that surpasses the rest of the players in the NHL.

Stats and skills? Psh, we disregard those here. True, some of these men have both stolen our hearts and some scoring titles along the way, but that is serendipity and nothing more. We've been forced to look away from favorites who are, shall we say, less than aesthetically pleasing in favor of the pure raw, animal sexiness of their teammates.

Here we are pleased to bring you the Starting Line-ups in the East and West teams of Hottness:

The Honor of Hottest Left Winger in the East goes to:

Mr. Chrisopher Higgins of the Montreal Canadiens

Chris Higgins teaches children about computers

Then shows off his badass tattoo and killer quads in the weight room

The honor of sexiest Center in the Eastern Conference goes to:

One Mr. Vincent Lecavalier of the Tampa Bay Lighting:

Enjoy your time on the Throne, King Vinny

Close your eyes, open your arms, and I'll give you biiiiiig hug

Filling out the line as Hottest Right Winger in the Eastern Conference is:

Patrick Eaves of the Ottawa Senators

Yes Patrick, you made the right choice in turning pro, that way you could be on this All-Star Roster

The quirky cuteness of this photo went a long way toward your selection

On to the blue liners.

We are VERY excited to announce that one of our own:

Mr. Nathan "Ol' Blue Eyes" Paestch was selected as one of our Defensemen:

Oh Patches, you're just so darn cute!

I mean, come on! Can you resist?

Boy even has a cute roster photo

Finally, covering the blue line with Mr. Paetsch is:

Mr. Ivan Baranka

What's that you say? He plays for Hartford? He's not in the NHL?"

That's right. 1 game still counts.

Don't fight it, just enjoy

Finally, the sexiest netminder in the East (and, in Anne's opinion, the entire NHL, nay the entire world) is:
Mr. Ricky DiPietro

Even this crappy cell phone style photo can't hide the sexy

You sign that long term contract, Ricky

Here's Ricky composing a handwritten sonnet for Anne, how sweet

Phew. That was quite the endeavor. We have to do some honorable mentions. Those who came this close, but one of those boys just beat them out.

We have:

Zach "Staffy's BFFL" Parise

Buffalo's favorite bird: Paul "Goose" Gaustad

There were others, but there is a plethora of hot forwards in the Eastern Conference.

Onto the West

The hottest Left Winger in the West was a contested battle, but in the end the winner is:

Former Buffalo Sabre: Taylor Pyatt, now of the Vancouver Canucks

Admire the sexy badassedness as TayPie beats the snot out of a Blackhawk

TayPie is economical and gives his teammates a ride home

I didn't crop this photo because I want everyone to see that that is TimmyHo with hair in the passenger seat.

Moving down the line. Hottest Center in the West is:

Mr. Joseph Thornton of the San Jose Sharks

This selection was heavily debated as it was finally established that just because Anne loves Ryan Getzlaf an inordinate amount and he's funny does not make him hotter than Joey and she was forced to concede.

Smile pretty, Thorns!

Thorns doesn't just listen, he LISTENS.

Can many men wear a possibly baby blue grey sweatshirt? Thorns can

Covering the Right Wing for the West is:

Martin Havlat of the Chicago Blackhawks

(One must look past his roster photo to fully appreciate)

Marty really likes the team's new jerseys

Even in the off-season, Marty sexes it up with his athleticism

And, one of our beloved Easterners is now a Westerner and makes this roster as a hot D-man:

Sheldon Souray of the Edmonton Oilers

The pink shirt, the bedroom eyes... le swoon

Supermodel? Soap Star? Sheldon Souray

His partner in defensive sexiness is:

Ryan Caldwell of the Phoenix Coyotes

(Ok, much like Ivan Baranka, Caldy actually plays in the AHL with Syracuse, but he's played 2 NHL games, twice as many as Baranka)

Hee! Look at the smile. He looks like Anne's friend Jack. That's probably why we think he's cute

Here's little Ryan when he was in college, giving a jersey to the commander in chief

And finally, between the pipes we have:

Thomas Greiss of the San Jose Sharks

He was even a shark in Germany! Fate
(K├Âlner Haie means Cologne Sharks)

German, Canadian, American - all that matters is if yous is hot

Honorable Mentions:

(Anne's personal favorite)
Ryan Getzlaf

Getzy carries the cup through London

Eric "Yes I used to be an Islander" Godard of the Calgary Flames

That's all folks. This took way too long. But Anne would give her left leg to see these teams play each other. S(h)ara would give a limb as well. Sigh.


  1. Wow. Well done girls! It's always good to find NHL hotties I didn't know about! (Hellooooo, Mr. Greiss. And he's German, too? Bonus!)

    Oh, Pyatt. My first hockey crush. Sometimes I miss him. (What can I say? I like them pretty.)

    I have to disagree with your choice for East goalie, though. I'll admit that Pretty Ricky sure is, well, pretty, but Biron was ROBBED! He will always be the hottest goalie there is, at least in my book.

  2. I knew there would be some contention over these selections, haha.

    I did consider Marty. But I wasn't sure:

    Do I love Marty because he's hot, or is Marty hot because I love him?


  3. I do love Marty, but Anne won me over with Mr. Dipietro. I could not deny his hotness.


  4. wheres Rick Nash??? =D

  5. Christopher Higgings belongs there. Good choice! Maybe not the best pictures of him there but he's hot hot hot.


Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

Disclaimer, yo.

Almost all of our pictures are borrowed from other sources. If they're yours and you don't want us to use them, just shoot us an email and we'll take them down.

We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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