Thursday, January 10, 2008

Sabres @ Ottawa: The Red Carpet Preshow

By S(h)ara

S(h)ara gets up on a bench in the locker room "Once more into the crease, dear friends! Once more, or fill up the bench with our slightly ill and concussed!" S(h)ara gets down from the bench, and tries not to stare at the Sabres in their underarmor.

Well kids, tonight is the night: we play Ottawa again.

I think of this year's Ottawa team as kind of like our team from last year. Blasphemy, I know, but think about it: we we unstoppable last year, until, you guessed it, Ottawa handed us a beat down in round three. BUT, I think of this year's Sabres like last year's Senators--which means a victory is in the works. It's a very scientific deduction.

I have to admit that when we play Ottawa I get something of a fatalistic attitude. Yeah they're awesome, and we're in the middle of a huge-ass losing streak. So if we're gonna go down Sabres let's go down with a fight, shall we? I DO NOT want to see the Suckatorz walk all over us for 80% of the game, only to have the Yo-Yo, Pommerdoodle and Grizz line bail our asses out. (I'm looking at you, Vanek.) Yes, T-Bo is in goal, but T-Bo does not suck. T-Bo is pretty bitchin' actually. Hell, his nickname is T-Bo. He shut out Montreal. He has three adorable daughters. (I'm guessing they're adorable. T-Bo isn't too shabby in the looks department, so it follows he would have cute-as-a-button babies.) But I digress.

Now, Vanek and I are going to have a little one-on-one. Tommy, come here. No no, sit down. Relax. Can I get you some gatorade? Vitamin Water? A sandwich? No? Ok then, we need to talk about how you've been playing lately. Aw, Tommy, don't cry. I know you have a lot of pressure on you right now. You're only 23, and everyone is expecting you to be a leader. You just became a daddy last year and you're getting married this summer. It's a stressful time. But Tommy, look at me, that's right, Tommy, we kind of need you right now. We're having a rough time, and we need you to be awesome again. You know what, don't think about the contract. Just think about putting that puck into Gerber/Emery's putrid hole of a net. You can do it, I have faith in you. Pats Vanek on the head. Now, run along and have a good practice.

Phew, that was hard. I hate it when they cry.

Now, all we need is for Peters to take out Alfredsson about 5 minutes into the game, and we should be set. As Anne and I said in unison the other night, Peters needs to do what he does best: sit in the penalty box. But this time Petey, make it worth it. Lay a good one on Alfredsson--he's kind of their top goal scorer.

And now, I leave you with one of my all-time favorite you tube videos: The Ottawa song.

1 comment:

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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