We have a serious problem here

by Anne

SabreNation, we need to have a sit-down. There is a serious problem amongst our ranks.

I don't know how some of you will take this so brace yourselves. Some of our beloved Sabres hide a deep, dark secret. A secret so terrible that I shudder to even think it: There is a small contingent of Sabres who want to destroy the planet Earth.

Which ones you might ask are the purported EarthHaters? Five of our dear hockey players want to bring about the apocalypse by way of carbon emissions. However, could five Buffalo Sabres with evil in their hearts be enough to destroy us all?

Members of NHL teams were asked to sign a petition pledging to live green and eat tofu or something like that. There were 5 Sabres who chose NOT to sign this petition. Whom, you might ask?

Well I can tell you this: Roysie hearts the little chipmunks! Yo-yo has his own compost heap! Sissy wants there to be a world in which you "Shoot Puck! Score Goal! Win Game!" for many generations to come! Pommerdoodle loves to romp and frollick amongst the trees in the park so OF COURSE he wants to save the Earth! Goosie too! He needs a place to produce his adorkable PSAs! Even un-dead zombie brain eater, Staffy, wants the Earth to survive and flourish!

HOWEVER, there are a few choice Sabres who are not participating in the team's plans to save our planet. I have come to one conclusion about these men:

They are rogue aliens from another hockey galaxy hellbent on destroying our planet. They want to destroy the Earth and bring all our hockey players to their galaxy to play in an ultra intergalactic hockey league. Its SO plausible.

Granted, their methods are slow, but through the work of the Buffalo Sabres, they'll get it done.

Or, they might just be jerks who didn't feel like signing a piece of paper.

Here are the suspects:

"Timmy Connolly"

Clearly, TimmyHo is the ring leader of the operation. All this talk of "injuries?" Hah! Timmy is secretly commuting back and forth between his home planet and ours to report back to the Dark Side's General Managers about the current condition of the Earth's atmosphere and +/-.

You say "bone spur", I say "CO2-emitting alien bone spur."

Next we have suspect #2:

Danny Pie-YAY, leader of our honorable brethren, Pie Lovers United, is tragically one of the Sabres working towards the Earth's ultimate destruction. He has been known to run his air conditioning at full tilt all summer long and blasts his heat at 85 degrees even whilst on team road trips. I should've known he was one of the alien spies when I got his autograph last summer:

Slightly suspicious, no?

Next we have:

"Adam Mair"

Clearly Mairsy is the reject alien spy. He's not very good at blending in with his surroundings. Wearing an 'A' this month is probably not what your alien commanders had in mind when they sent you down to recruit for them. His job was to find hockey players and convert them to the Dark Side. From the above picture, you can see he needs to work on differentiating between "hockey player" and "things that wandered out onto the ice." Favorite method to slowly destroy the earth: throwing out gatorade bottles after the games instead of recylcing them.

Our 4th Evil Alien is:

"Mikey Ryan"

Look at the evil in those eyes! Mikey Ryan is obviously the go-to man for insta-destruction of parts of the Earth's atmosphere and foliage. Not being a high profile Sabre he has AMPLE opportunity to mastermind his devious plans. He regularly turns on every light in his house at all times of the day and night and leaves the water running while he brushes his teeth. Pure. Evil.

Last but not least we have the godfather:

"Jocelyn Thibault"

Really, Aliens of Glornax 7? Did you not do your research? Jocelyn? Way to pick an under the radar common man's name like "Jocelyn." Clearly they wised up by the time they got to "Tim", "Adam", "Dan", and "Mike," but they started out rocky with "Jocelyn." T-Bo's role in this gang is to be the quiet unsung hero of the alien race. His job is to turn on Ryan Miller's big-ass SUV before every game and leave it idling in the parking lot. Then he runs out while Millsey's being interviewed post-game and turns it off. The result: Millsey spending his life savings on gas and the Earth's ultimate destruction.

These clever gents must be stopped! Join the Sabres Green Team and help stop the alien take over! Get a sweet green window decal too!

I don't count Kaleta and MacArthur as rogue alien spies because they're foolish young prospects who don't know any better. They're still taking remedial recycling classes with Goosie. They can't get Kaleta to stop smashing the cans on his forehead and Grizz is taking the term "tree hugger" too literally. That last trip to the park was a nightmare, he just wouldn't let go. I think Grizz has abandonement issues.

Pain in my soul a/k/a my leg, back, ankle, head, groin, bone spur

by Anne

This entry's title brought to you by the confirmed and potential injuries facing some of our dear Buffalo Sabres.

I wasn't zen last night. That's why they lost. I couldn't concentrate my chi on the team so they could win. Oh yeah, and LYDMAN flipped the puck over the glass putting us on the short end of a 6 on 3 with about 20 seconds left when we were only up by 1, that didn't help. And those a-hole Thrashers hurt Millsey and Mairsy and Roysie and Sissy and they tried to take out Kotalik. There's something to be said for getting revenge for a loss, but that revenge should be on the scoreboard, not injuring another teams top players, that's bullshit.

I. Hate. Shootouts. We started last month with a shootout and I guess we just missed them so much that we wanted to have another go. With T-Bo in net. Excellent. In T-Bo's defense he did have some good saves, but nothing to write home about.

I've never really cared about the Thrashers other than they have Kovalchuk who's kind of a punk and Hossa who falls into the same category. But after that shizz last night, they fall into my list of most disliked teams in the Eastern Conference:

1. Ottawa Senators
2. Toronto Maple Leafs
3. New York Rangers
4. Philadelphia Flyers
5. Atlanta Thrashers

They bumped Carolina from the list, whom I don't particularly care about anymore (I've gotten over the '06 playoffs).

The kicker is that the 2nd period was some great hockey from the Sabres, the 3rd as well....for the most part. There were tons of blocked shots, Hank the Tank, Roysie and Pratters all took some pucks for the team, I'm sure there were others too. At least the boys know they have to change their game when its T-Bo in net and not Millsey.

Does Tobias Enstrom look like a midget hockey player who put on the wrong jersey and showed up to the Thrashers by accident one day to anyone else?

Good job Goose in stating your case for why your goal should've counted. You showed more passion about that than some players have shown about anything all season. Good thing Sissy was the one to talk to the refs about it, or you might've been ejected. Good boy, Goosie, you fight for your rights. Not enough to earn you a BAMF, but excellent effort.

Ok, I need every Sabres fan to sit down. All seated? Not you in Kenmore? Ok. All set? Good, I have to tell you something you might not believe, no, no one was traded. No, no one appears to be out for the season. It's much more surprising.

This man:

I'll pay you $1 million if Kalinin didn't immediately wipe out after this picture was taken

actually scored a goal. I know, right? You can't believe it either.

Oh and BY THE WAY, LINDY, Where my captain at? Who will lead this team bravely through February's cold and treacherous days and nights? Who will we turn to to argue goals and penalties in these wintery days? Who will be his assistants? His right and left hand men? I must know now! Who do we turn to for interviews?!

The Catwalk for Charity is tonight. Probably would've been nice to go into it with a win, but whatevs. I'm actually kind of glad I'm not going, after last night's game. Watching Millsey limp around tonight isn't exactly a memory I'd want to cherish. Although I'd like to cherish the memory of meeting a certain #21 and his B-A Guitar Hero skills.

Private note to Ryan Miller's legs:

Dear Millsey's legs,

Hey, it's Anne. I know we've never met and you've never actually heard of me before, but I just wanted to pass on some words of encouragement.

You, Lefty, are very important to the City of Buffalo. See?:

Good work, Lefty!

Righty, I haven't forgotten about you! Look at how important you are too!:

And Righty makes the save!

Excellent work over the years, boys! Where would the Sabres be without you?

Oh, right, here's where:

Lefty fell asleep on the job

Or, possibly even here:

T-Bo, the puck is over- No! T-BO IT'S OVER- ugh, never mind

So, legs, please, don't be hurt badly. Please? We in Buffalo really need you to be healthy. Groin - the same goes for you!

Love,
Anne

Sabres @ Ottawa: The Red Carpet Preshow

By S(h)ara

S(h)ara gets up on a bench in the locker room "Once more into the crease, dear friends! Once more, or fill up the bench with our slightly ill and concussed!" S(h)ara gets down from the bench, and tries not to stare at the Sabres in their underarmor.

Well kids, tonight is the night: we play Ottawa again.

I think of this year's Ottawa team as kind of like our team from last year. Blasphemy, I know, but think about it: we we unstoppable last year, until, you guessed it, Ottawa handed us a beat down in round three. BUT, I think of this year's Sabres like last year's Senators--which means a victory is in the works. It's a very scientific deduction.

I have to admit that when we play Ottawa I get something of a fatalistic attitude. Yeah they're awesome, and we're in the middle of a huge-ass losing streak. So if we're gonna go down Sabres let's go down with a fight, shall we? I DO NOT want to see the Suckatorz walk all over us for 80% of the game, only to have the Yo-Yo, Pommerdoodle and Grizz line bail our asses out. (I'm looking at you, Vanek.) Yes, T-Bo is in goal, but T-Bo does not suck. T-Bo is pretty bitchin' actually. Hell, his nickname is T-Bo. He shut out Montreal. He has three adorable daughters. (I'm guessing they're adorable. T-Bo isn't too shabby in the looks department, so it follows he would have cute-as-a-button babies.) But I digress.

Now, Vanek and I are going to have a little one-on-one. Tommy, come here. No no, sit down. Relax. Can I get you some gatorade? Vitamin Water? A sandwich? No? Ok then, we need to talk about how you've been playing lately. Aw, Tommy, don't cry. I know you have a lot of pressure on you right now. You're only 23, and everyone is expecting you to be a leader. You just became a daddy last year and you're getting married this summer. It's a stressful time. But Tommy, look at me, that's right, Tommy, we kind of need you right now. We're having a rough time, and we need you to be awesome again. You know what, don't think about the contract. Just think about putting that puck into Gerber/Emery's putrid hole of a net. You can do it, I have faith in you. Pats Vanek on the head. Now, run along and have a good practice.

Phew, that was hard. I hate it when they cry.

Now, all we need is for Peters to take out Alfredsson about 5 minutes into the game, and we should be set. As Anne and I said in unison the other night, Peters needs to do what he does best: sit in the penalty box. But this time Petey, make it worth it. Lay a good one on Alfredsson--he's kind of their top goal scorer.

And now, I leave you with one of my all-time favorite you tube videos: The Ottawa song.