Tuesday, February 19, 2008

We have a serious problem here

by Anne

SabreNation, we need to have a sit-down. There is a serious problem amongst our ranks.

I don't know how some of you will take this so brace yourselves. Some of our beloved Sabres hide a deep, dark secret. A secret so terrible that I shudder to even think it: There is a small contingent of Sabres who want to destroy the planet Earth.

Which ones you might ask are the purported EarthHaters? Five of our dear hockey players want to bring about the apocalypse by way of carbon emissions. However, could five Buffalo Sabres with evil in their hearts be enough to destroy us all?

Members of NHL teams were asked to sign a petition pledging to live green and eat tofu or something like that. There were 5 Sabres who chose NOT to sign this petition. Whom, you might ask?

Well I can tell you this: Roysie hearts the little chipmunks! Yo-yo has his own compost heap! Sissy wants there to be a world in which you "Shoot Puck! Score Goal! Win Game!" for many generations to come! Pommerdoodle loves to romp and frollick amongst the trees in the park so OF COURSE he wants to save the Earth! Goosie too! He needs a place to produce his adorkable PSAs! Even un-dead zombie brain eater, Staffy, wants the Earth to survive and flourish!
HOWEVER, there are a few choice Sabres who are not participating in the team's plans to save our planet. I have come to one conclusion about these men:

They are rogue aliens from another hockey galaxy hellbent on destroying our planet. They want to destroy the Earth and bring all our hockey players to their galaxy to play in an ultra intergalactic hockey league. Its SO plausible.

Granted, their methods are slow, but through the work of the Buffalo Sabres, they'll get it done.

Or, they might just be jerks who didn't feel like signing a piece of paper.


Here are the suspects:

"Timmy Connolly"

Clearly, TimmyHo is the ring leader of the operation. All this talk of "injuries?" Hah! Timmy is secretly commuting back and forth between his home planet and ours to report back to the Dark Side's General Managers about the current condition of the Earth's atmosphere and +/-.

You say "bone spur", I say "CO2-emitting alien bone spur."

Next we have suspect #2:

Danny Pie-YAY, leader of our honorable brethren, Pie Lovers United, is tragically one of the Sabres working towards the Earth's ultimate destruction. He has been known to run his air conditioning at full tilt all summer long and blasts his heat at 85 degrees even whilst on team road trips. I should've known he was one of the alien spies when I got his autograph last summer:

Slightly suspicious, no?

Next we have:

"Adam Mair"

Clearly Mairsy is the reject alien spy. He's not very good at blending in with his surroundings. Wearing an 'A' this month is probably not what your alien commanders had in mind when they sent you down to recruit for them. His job was to find hockey players and convert them to the Dark Side. From the above picture, you can see he needs to work on differentiating between "hockey player" and "things that wandered out onto the ice." Favorite method to slowly destroy the earth: throwing out gatorade bottles after the games instead of recylcing them.

Our 4th Evil Alien is:

"Mikey Ryan"

Look at the evil in those eyes! Mikey Ryan is obviously the go-to man for insta-destruction of parts of the Earth's atmosphere and foliage. Not being a high profile Sabre he has AMPLE opportunity to mastermind his devious plans. He regularly turns on every light in his house at all times of the day and night and leaves the water running while he brushes his teeth. Pure. Evil.

Last but not least we have the godfather:

"Jocelyn Thibault"

Really, Aliens of Glornax 7? Did you not do your research? Jocelyn? Way to pick an under the radar common man's name like "Jocelyn." Clearly they wised up by the time they got to "Tim", "Adam", "Dan", and "Mike," but they started out rocky with "Jocelyn." T-Bo's role in this gang is to be the quiet unsung hero of the alien race. His job is to turn on Ryan Miller's big-ass SUV before every game and leave it idling in the parking lot. Then he runs out while Millsey's being interviewed post-game and turns it off. The result: Millsey spending his life savings on gas and the Earth's ultimate destruction.

These clever gents must be stopped! Join the Sabres Green Team and help stop the alien take over! Get a sweet green window decal too!

I don't count Kaleta and MacArthur as rogue alien spies because they're foolish young prospects who don't know any better. They're still taking remedial recycling classes with Goosie. They can't get Kaleta to stop smashing the cans on his forehead and Grizz is taking the term "tree hugger" too literally. That last trip to the park was a nightmare, he just wouldn't let go. I think Grizz has abandonement issues.

1 comment:

  1. he needs to work on differentiating between "hockey player" and "things that wandered out onto the ice."

    I just had this mental image of that Labrador retriever running out onto the ice during a game and stealing the puck. Admittedly, all 12 players on the ice would start chasing the dog and hilarity would ensue. That would have to be better to watch than what's gone on the last two games, right?

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


Disclaimer, yo.

Almost all of our pictures are borrowed from other sources. If they're yours and you don't want us to use them, just shoot us an email and we'll take them down.

We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

anniebeeswax [at] gmail [dot] com

ColorJunction