Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Forget Hockey

by Anne

Ok so, hockey is so done for me.

It's all about my new love:

Terrible baseball teams that do well all of a sudden.

Easter Sunday I decided to throw my full summertime support behind the Tampa Bay Rays.

This is now a blog dedicated to the Tampa Bay Rays.

Tampa has finished no higher than 4th (out of 5, and that was only once) in their entire 10 season history.

They are currently atop the AL East, 1 game ahead of the reigning World Champ Boston Red Sox, 6 games AHEAD of the YANKEES. They actually have the best record in all of Major League Baseball.

EPIC, I tell you. EPIC.

Let me also emphasize that other than a few choice terms like "RBI" "Home Runs" "Wins" "Losses" and "Batting Average" I know almost nothing about baseball. (What in GODS name is an Earned Run Average?)

I have no idea what a "split" is, and no clue what any of those abbreviations stand for. Why does a baseball team have so many pitchers? Tampa has twelve. TWELVE?!?! Is that really necessary?

I will now have an "Anne's Favorite Ray" contest. Considering I can't name a single one, this process will probably be very short.

Nevermind, after one perusal of the roster list, I've declared my favorite:


How can you NOT love a DUDE whose name is EVAn LONGORIA?!?!

And he's my age. It's fate.

How can you not love someone who looks like this after being drafted 3rd overall in 2006?

And this season is his first. AND he made his debut on my Dad's birthday. I mean, COME ON! FATE.

He plays 3rd Base.

He's got 7 Home Runs so far. I think that's good?

He has a slugging percentage of .460........ Woo? I have NO CLUE if that's good or bad.

Is this a joke?
This is how you figure out someone's slugging percentage

Apparently .500 is good, sooooo .460 is ok? I'm not joking when I say I have absolutely no idea.

At this point, he seems to be an average player. But its his first season, so it's ok... I guess?


He hit a double in the 9th inning the other night, and gave the Rays their 4th walk-off win of the season (???????)

Whatev, all I know is that EVAn Longoria is destined to be one of the greats in my mind. Why? Cuz I'll have no idea if he's any good or not.


Even though I know so little about baseball, I will say that one of my favorite things to watch in any professional sport is to watch a baseball player throw a ball really really far, really really fast. It's really impressive.

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins:

Screw. You.



  1. Oh Anne, don't give up on the Sid-Love. I know they aren't the Sabres, but we can't abandon them when they need us so badly. I was an avid Sid-Hater until a few weeks ago and he has even started turning me. (I've got to wonder what kind of super powers he has?)

    Plus, I can see some really good fights breaking out soon. Maybe Sid will get into it with one of the Wings and get his weirdly large front teeth knocked out and they can replace them with some that fit his mouth a little better. That would be a good thing, RIGHT?!?!?

  2. I hate baseball but I LOVE the players ;)

    My mission last summer was to attend a Bison's game. Yeah, didn't happen.

  3. What, Jennifer, you don't like Sid's gigantic horse teeth? His lips are crazy.

  4. Anne, you can't abandon the Good Ship McSexyTimes!!

    Jennifer, this new-found Sid-Love doesn't have anything to do with how good he looks without his shirt, does it? Just as long as he keeps his teeth in check!

  5. His gigantic horse teeth would be fine if his crazy lips could cover them up. But other than that, he's pretty cute and he's slowly winning me over. I hope the playoffs are over before he totally wins me over with his super powers.

  6. I must admit, I believe that the shirtless pictures may have had something to do with it! But he has GOT to keep his mouth closed.

  7. I really just like watching interviews with him to watch the strange ways his lips move when he talks. I always wonder what I'd say to certain hockey players if I were to ever meet them whilst totally hammered. I'm pretty sure with Sid it'd be something about his voluptuous lips or how we both have huge booties and big thigh muscles. Then he'd call security and take out a restraining order. Totally worth it.

  8. "I always wonder what I'd say to certain hockey players if I were to ever meet them whilst totally hammered."

    I've often wondered the same. Seriously, what would you say?

  9. Dani - I know that if I were to see Bernier, I'd be unable to refrain myself from screaming "BIG BEAR!" and attack-hugging him. Its just inevitable.

    If it were Tim Connolly I would ask him why he was such a whore, but I'm afraid he'd think I was suggesting some activities for the evening, and I don't want to go where so many women have gone before.

  10. My cousin met Big Bear! I asked her if she gave him a bear hug. She didn't (WTF? ITS BIG BEAR!). He was wearing that weird horse zip up sweater. Or birds? I don't know what was on that thing. All I know is that Avery would not approve.

    I think Goose and Petey would be other bear hug candidates.

    My friend dated Timmy's BFF, but I didn't meet him... yet. I don't ask about him, but I've heard a voicemail :) He does seem like a nice guy of what she's said. Even if he is a little... umm, promiscuous?


Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

Disclaimer, yo.

Almost all of our pictures are borrowed from other sources. If they're yours and you don't want us to use them, just shoot us an email and we'll take them down.

We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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