Friday, May 2, 2008

FYI: Sidney Crosby is Not an Alien

by Anne

Maxime Talbot is taking the words right out of my mouth:

According to Maxime Talbot, Sidney Crosby’s faint attempt at growing a playoff beard makes him look “greasy.” As for the mustache he has going right now, Talbot said that makes him look “like Zorro.”


I prefer "like a hillbilly with a rusted out pickup truck", but "Zorro" works too.


Marc-Andre Fleury weighs in on the "let's show people Sid isn't a robot" campaign:

Fleury said when he and Crosby were both out with high ankle sprains earlier this year, they spent a lot of time at the goalie’s house playing Call of Duty 4 on Xbox 360. The game is so popular the Penguins take it on the road with them.


Oh, NHL, you're trying so hard to promote him as: THIS GUY WILL CHANGE HOCKEY FOREVER. SIDNEY CROSBY IS OUR MESSIAH....uhhhh but he plays Xbox too! Haha! He can't grow a playoff beard! Look how NORMAL he is! Yup, he's tooooootallly normal. Except for, ya know, that we treat him like he can turn water ino wine and all that and he's probably the best hockey player in the past decade stuff, but LOOK! He drinks gatorade! He eats food! He sleeps! He's a person too! Did we mention he's YOUNG? Look how YOUNG he is! He can't even buy alcohol in this country yet!


I love Sid the Kid, but, unlike my love for most hockey players, I have little desire to have "relations" with him. I'm sure he calls them "relations" because calling it anything else makes him blush under his peach fuzz. I think my lack of desire for Sid the Kid is his freakishly squeaky clean image. He's probably not really afraid of girls, but he just has such a "good guy" image that it turns me off. It's probably why I mostly like guys and players that look like they would have no problem with beating the living tar out of someone (Goose, Big Bear, Staffy) notable exception: Pommerdoodle. Eh, well, I still loves him and I bet he's more intimidating in person....no probably not, but that's ok, I think I could beat Derek Roy in a fistfight..again, that's probably not true, because I couldn't bring myself to punch Roysie and hopefully he feels the same way about hitting girls.


Oh yeah AND THEN THEY LOST 3-0 TO THE RANGERS. That is NOT COOL. Avery is LITERALLY in INTENSIVE CARE. I did say, however, that I thought the Rangers would win this won. But, they should be GONE after the next one. Is that CLEAR, Ry-ry? Sid? Geno? Gronk? Heh? Good, now let's take care of this.


Soooooo, I checked NHL.com for a score of the Wings/Avs game and it was 7-1 at the intermission. Last I had checked it was 1-1. WOW. Um, who was the MORON who picked the Avs? That would be this girl. What the hell was I thinking? I hope the Red Wings don't win the cup, but mostly because I just flat out won't care. I won't be excited or mad, it'll be an overall feeling of "eh, Datsyuk's ugly". And, because the Douche Canoe (TM Interchangeable Parts) has declared that the Red Wings are going to take my Millsey away, I just want to pretend they don't exist. Millsey can't play for them if they aren't REAL! That's what I'm going to tell him and his agent.


T-Minus like an hour until the World Championships start in Halifax. I hope Team USA is finished playing lasertag and making macramés hockey sticks in time to show up to play Latvia tonight night.


Team USA is ranked 7th in the world, Canada is 3rd behind Finland and Sweden. I know we have some BANGIN' Finnish (Toni, Selanne, the Koivu brothers) and Swedish (Hank the Tank, Zetterberg, Backstrom) talent in the NHL, but if the teams are that good, wouldn't you assume we'd have more NHL players from those countries? Maybe they just like playing at home and don't want to come to North America where I will begin stalking them.




Private to Paul Gaustad:

I managed to not run into you tonight. But so HELP ME if you had been at my sister's concert, I would've KNOWN that my life just became the Truman Show or a really long and uninteresting episode of Punk'd.

Love and I told you I'd stay aways,
Anne


This post needs one of those billions of pictures I save but haven't posted. This one started my "save this picture for later" craze:



In my head the conversation goes something like this:

Millsey (in fake uber gay man lisp): Hey SPAAAA-AAAC. As our new Captain, you should know that its your job to tell me how good my booty looks in these pants. It's in the fine print, under the C. Soooo how's the boooty? Good enough for NBC?

Sissy: Ya, whatever you say, goalie man. I go play de hockeys now. Where my helmet? Is ok, I no need it.

Millsey: Hey equipment man, how's the view from down there? Huh? Huh? Nice, right?

Soupy: What's this? He's asking SISSY? My defensive partner? How could he?! Fuckin' stupid Ryan over there trying to act like he doesn't need me. I tell him his booty looks good all the time, even when he doesn't ask me to. I bet JARO doesn't take the time mid-game when he's holding the puck behind the net to tell him either. Psh, fuckin' stupid jerkface.

Patches: I miss the press box. These guys are fuckin' weird.

Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! LET'S GO BUFF-A-LO!!

4 comments:

  1. I tell him his booty looks good all the time, even when he doesn't ask me to.

    I always knew Soupy was checking Millsey out when he was behind the net! haha Maybe his problems in San Jose are stemming from the fact that Nabokov just doesn't appreciate his mid-game booty-check efforts like Millsey did.

    And it's good to know that even without his BFF Colby Armstrong Sid is being kept in line by his teammates! I also love how they like to push how much he LOVES Friends - like "ohmyGod the Savior likes to watch TV shows just like the mere mortals!"

    I must admit, though, that I would thoroughly enjoy "relations" with Sid ;) Maybe it's the fact that he's so robotic that the real Sid is very mysterious and intriguing to me...

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is the best Ryan Miller picture EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh my gosh, yes I agree about Sid, straight up. and LOL at "hillbilly with a rusted out pickup truck".. brilliant!

    Im so over Sid. I have been for a while. But it can be funny when you make EVERYTHING about Sid, as they were doing during the Winter Classic, and my friends and I took it to levels unheard of. We are actually planning to have a Sidney Crosby Day (8/7/08) Party this summer. I don'tknow what we'll do yet- sit around drinking gatorade and playing xbox? LOL but it will be fully endorsed by Sid and his creeptastic facial hair. ;)

    and I adore your picture caption, espceially Patches' comment. He's so right. haha. Dude, hockey pants make anyone's butt look fat
    Milsey! It's okay, in your case, that might be a good thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. yo, btw that anon was me. Don't know why it didn't take my sign-in..

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


Disclaimer, yo.

Almost all of our pictures are borrowed from other sources. If they're yours and you don't want us to use them, just shoot us an email and we'll take them down.

We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

anniebeeswax [at] gmail [dot] com

ColorJunction