Monday, July 14, 2008

How to be a Sabre-Pimp

By S(h)ara

About a week ago, Anne and I had an in-depth conversation about our Sabre-loves, and Anne posed an interesting question to me. She asked why I thought Brian Campbell got so much play while he was in Buffalo. My initial thought was that she was clearly underestimating the willingness of women in Buffalo to sleep with a guy just because he plays for the Sabres. But as I thought more about it, I realized that Soupy had perfected the "Aw shucks guys, I'm just a nomal guy next door" routine and the ladies were flocking like seniors to Wegmans on double coupon day. Clearly, there is a method to being a Sabre-pimp, and through careful observation (and some reading of the girlfriend forum) I came up with the various steps involved in becoming a Sabre-pimp. Just follow these rules guys, and you too can pimp like TimmyHo.

Step One: Become a professional hockey player.
You can be uglier than homemade sin, but if you play professional hockey you will get more action than you know what to do with. Granted, you have to be able to at least ice skate and shoot a puck in the general direction of the goal. I'm sure there is more skill involved here, but I've had my doubts since Soupy was signed to that redonkulous contract. Whatever. The bottom line is, wear the blue and gold, and your days of being mercilessly shot down in bars will be over.

Step Two: Get a bomb-ass nickname
Guys who are called "Roysie", "Millsey", "Hank the Tank" or "TimmyHo" get laid. Guys who just go by "Ales" or "Jaro" do not.

Step Three: Develop an attitude
Whether it be TimmyHo's "I'm gonna bang you on the bar while you hold your drink, and then in ten minutes I'm gonna do your friend in the men's room" approach, or Roysie's "I'm cute and funny, which is how I lure you in, but then I will probably do dirty things to you before the night is over" some girl is going to go for it. Decide what kind of skank-ho's you prefer, and go from there.

Step Four: Frequent establishments such as SoHo and Sub Zero
It is a commonly known fact that women go down to Chippewa to dance, get laid or both. Take advantage of the fact that women will probably be drunk and more than willing to sleep with a hockey player. Make sure you bring a big posse with you, preferably with non-hockey players, to act as your wingmen. Bringing non-hockey players will ensure that you will not have to compete for the attentions of various gold-digging ho's.

Step Five: Repeat step four on a weekly basis
Pratice makes perfect, and a good Sabre-Pimp practices his skills every weekend. Don't believe me? Check the girlfriend forum. Or go to SoHo on a Saturday night. Your choice.

These are tried and true methods, people! I've seen Soupy in action, and all he did was stand there while the girls came to him. I recommend watching sometime, if only for the sheer entertainment value.

5 comments:

  1. This post was one of your best. i laughed so hard i peed my pants. lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. or Roysie's "I'm cute and funny, which is how I lure you in, but then I will probably do dirty things to you before the night is over"

    I'd probably fall for that one. LOL
    Or better yet, I'd *almost* fall for it, then remember that he's a hockey player and hockey players=SKANKYHOS and move on.

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great post, S(h)ara!

    You can be uglier than homemade sin, but if you play professional hockey you will get more action than you know what to do with.

    Sad but true! You can be missing teeth, excessively sweat, or have a nose that was broken 37 times, and women will still fall drunkenly into your lap.

    I've seen Soupy in action, and all he did was stand there while the girls came to him.

    I can only hope that this was because all the good-looking boys were either busy for the evening or too morally upright to be Sabre-pimps (I'm going with the first one).

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've seen Soupy in action, and all he did was stand there while the girls came to him.

    I can only assume that these girls were "visually challenged" and were curriously following the sweat smell. EUW!

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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