Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Detention for you both

by Anne

I love that hockey's greatest scandal in recent years has not been drugs, hookers, dog fighting, gambling or the illegal sale of exotic birds and animals. It has, in fact, been a not-so-private tête-à-tête between Kevin Lowe of the Edmonton Oilers and Brian Burke of the Mightily Mighty Ducks of Anaheim... Mighty.

Burke threw the right hook of calling Edmonton a washed up team (just over a year after they were in the Cup final...) and Lowe countered with a kick to the money maker by comparing, um, the number of Stanley Cup rings each team has. Hockey fans all over... Edmonton (maybe) were a-twitter. What will happen next? Will Brian Burke start insulting Kevin Lowe's mother? Will we need Ryan Miller to intervene with a few more killer "yo mama" jokes? Will Kevin Lowe start trashing Anaheim's school system's shortcomings? Will Chris Pronger have to be the voice of reason. If so: HEAD FOR THE HILLS, ITS ALL OVER, THERE'S NO SAVING IT NOW, PRONGER IS INVOLVED. IT CAN ONLY GO BADLY FROM HERE ON OUT!

But wait! What's that! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a widely despised anti-Candian labor stoppage facilitator and NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman! Never fear, Papa Gary is here. Bettman swooped in with patented "hey hey hey, boys, if you can't say anything nice..." argument that has worked to keep these vicious attacks at bay for the last 18 hours or so.

The NHL, so full of drama and intrigue. Startling.


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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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