Monday, July 28, 2008

Football is More Complicated than Hockey Part 1 of... Whenever I Understand Football as Well as I Do Hockey

by Anne

Thanks to the guys at The Goose's Roost for the heads up on Brian Moorman's training camp blog. To be found here.

It is well documented that my love for hockey players who blog knows no bounds. As of my first perusal of my favorite Bill (he and Rian Lindell because they're good at what they do and don't usually screw up, and don't really play that much anyway), I can determine that he is far better at this game than his hockey compadres. He uses proper grammar, spelling, syntax and even tosses in a little humor. Does. Not. Compute. I'm used to Pominville's stilted run on sentences and Ryan Miller's odd attempts at being funny in his blog, although that one time he treated goalie equipment sizing like it was The Creature From the Black Lagoon was funny. That's a fun word to say. Lagooooooon.

So Mr. Moorman gets an "A" for his blog thus far. I anticipate more pithy self-deprecating and humorous stories and daydreams about getting a time machine to go back and lead his high school to the state championship, and insight into exactly what that Apple TV thing is. Brian Moorman is your all-purpose Pro Bowl punter, and for that we thank him.

In my attempts to know more about the Bills, tyring to learn more than just by watching games until their losing was a foregone conclusion for the past few seasons, I was perusing their website, only to discover that, unlike the Sabres, I will never in my life be able to name every player on the Bills roster. My GOD there are a lot of them. I'm just going to have to get a select few in my noggin and call it a day. Robert Felton, I've already forgotten who you are. LET ME KNOW IF HE'S ONE OF THE ONES I SHOULD TRY TO REMEMBER. I'm pretty new at this game. Does Andre Reed still play? How's Troy Aikman doing these days?

I spent a great deal of time with Mama Peg the other day trying to wrap my ice-covered hockey brain around the different positions on the football field. Let me clarify, I know the rules of football, I know how its played, I've watched countless hours of football in my life, possibly more than hockey...that's debatable, I briefly dated a football player in high school, but I never really bothered to learn too much about the subtleties of the game. CAN SOMEONE EFFECTIVELY EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SAFETY AND A CORNERBACK?! I WILL MAKE YOU COOKIES. I sort of get the difference but if I think about it too hard I start to blend them together because Wikipedia isn't good at answering the questions I shout at my computer monitor. I AM NOT YET READY TO GRASP THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "STRONG" SAFETY AND "FREE" SAFETY. Or is that one of those things like in order to explain what a safety does you have to know the two positions, then I'm ready to learn, but speak slowly and use lots of hand gestures and analogies.

I just figured out what a "play action pass" is. Ok, I've seen it done before, and heard that phrase before, but never realized it was the same thing. I AM SO GOOD AT THIS.

Also, I wouldn't know the VAST majority of the Buffalo Bills on sight. I can guarantee I could ID Brian Moorman, JP Losman, Marshawn Lynch, Poz and Rian Lindell. I'd probably be able to ID Trent Edwards and Lee Evans.

Anyway, this season will be my attempt to REALLY love the Bills. I'm a Bills fan by default. They're my #1 football team no matter what, but I feel like I should better know the team I've committed the football portion of my heart to. As far as I can tell, there is only 1 Sabres game on Sunday in this coming season, and that is after the football season will have concluded, and there is no Sabres game during our Monday Night Football Game on November 17th. THE GODS OF HOCKEY AND FOOTBALL ARE CONSPIRING TO HELP ME IN MY QUEST.

Ok, so anyone who can help me out in my quest and won't be condescending when I ask stupid questions, let me know! I'M AN EXCELLENT BAKER, I'LL MAKE YOU COOKIES OR WHATEVER SUITS YER FANCY. WOO! K, thanks! Bye!

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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