I've Been Going About This All Wrong

by Anne

Everyday I read the Sports section of the Buffalo News, hoping to learn more about my team. So far, so good.

However, I'm having trouble with this and it occurred to me today exactly why.

I HAVEN'T DECLARED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR ANY PARTICULAR PLAYER OR PLAYERS.

Here's why:

Mama Peg is a huuuuuuge football fan, and always has been. However, Mama Peg is not a (whatever the football equivalent of a puckbunny is). Therefore, as I was brought into the football world by Dad Jim and Mama Peg, there was no one to show me the light: football players are very attractive and squealworthy.

ITS ALL COMING CLEAR NOW.

In order to REALLY love the Bills I have to develop a massive sports crush on one of them and then I will feel the urge to scour the interwebs for as much information as I can about my new man. This is how I got back into hockey in 2006, a massive sports crush on Jay McKee. He blocked a shot with his head or something badass like that, and it was L-O-V-E.

So I'm working my way into finding a Bills Boyfriend. HOWEVER. I do not want to commit my love to someone who might get cut from the team, I'm still reeling from the Big Bear trade and have only recently gotten over losing JKee right after I fell in SportsLove with him in 2006. I'm going to either have to throw myself at Trent Edwards or Pos, just to be safe, or fall madly in love with Steve Johnson and hope for things. He's 22 and is already married and has only been playing football for like 6 years. LOVE.

Also, do I love him because is name is Felton Huggins or is his name Felton Huggins because I love him?!

Then there's my pre-existing fondness for Brian Donald Moorman! Do I leave him out?

So many questions, so few answers.

Anyway, my quest will continue. The first preseason game is this coming Saturday against the Redskins in Washington, where hopefully I will be able to whittle down my list of potential boyfriends. I know the starters won't get to see as much action, so I'll have to use this opportunity to narrow down the list of youngin's to love.

Football is More Complicated than Hockey Part 1 of... Whenever I Understand Football as Well as I Do Hockey

by Anne

Thanks to the guys at The Goose's Roost for the heads up on Brian Moorman's training camp blog. To be found here.

It is well documented that my love for hockey players who blog knows no bounds. As of my first perusal of my favorite Bill (he and Rian Lindell because they're good at what they do and don't usually screw up, and don't really play that much anyway), I can determine that he is far better at this game than his hockey compadres. He uses proper grammar, spelling, syntax and even tosses in a little humor. Does. Not. Compute. I'm used to Pominville's stilted run on sentences and Ryan Miller's odd attempts at being funny in his blog, although that one time he treated goalie equipment sizing like it was The Creature From the Black Lagoon was funny. That's a fun word to say. Lagooooooon.

So Mr. Moorman gets an "A" for his blog thus far. I anticipate more pithy self-deprecating and humorous stories and daydreams about getting a time machine to go back and lead his high school to the state championship, and insight into exactly what that Apple TV thing is. Brian Moorman is your all-purpose Pro Bowl punter, and for that we thank him.

In my attempts to know more about the Bills, tyring to learn more than just by watching games until their losing was a foregone conclusion for the past few seasons, I was perusing their website, only to discover that, unlike the Sabres, I will never in my life be able to name every player on the Bills roster. My GOD there are a lot of them. I'm just going to have to get a select few in my noggin and call it a day. Robert Felton, I've already forgotten who you are. LET ME KNOW IF HE'S ONE OF THE ONES I SHOULD TRY TO REMEMBER. I'm pretty new at this game. Does Andre Reed still play? How's Troy Aikman doing these days?

I spent a great deal of time with Mama Peg the other day trying to wrap my ice-covered hockey brain around the different positions on the football field. Let me clarify, I know the rules of football, I know how its played, I've watched countless hours of football in my life, possibly more than hockey...that's debatable, I briefly dated a football player in high school, but I never really bothered to learn too much about the subtleties of the game. CAN SOMEONE EFFECTIVELY EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SAFETY AND A CORNERBACK?! I WILL MAKE YOU COOKIES. I sort of get the difference but if I think about it too hard I start to blend them together because Wikipedia isn't good at answering the questions I shout at my computer monitor. I AM NOT YET READY TO GRASP THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "STRONG" SAFETY AND "FREE" SAFETY. Or is that one of those things like in order to explain what a safety does you have to know the two positions, then I'm ready to learn, but speak slowly and use lots of hand gestures and analogies.

I just figured out what a "play action pass" is. Ok, I've seen it done before, and heard that phrase before, but never realized it was the same thing. I AM SO GOOD AT THIS.

Also, I wouldn't know the VAST majority of the Buffalo Bills on sight. I can guarantee I could ID Brian Moorman, JP Losman, Marshawn Lynch, Poz and Rian Lindell. I'd probably be able to ID Trent Edwards and Lee Evans.

Anyway, this season will be my attempt to REALLY love the Bills. I'm a Bills fan by default. They're my #1 football team no matter what, but I feel like I should better know the team I've committed the football portion of my heart to. As far as I can tell, there is only 1 Sabres game on Sunday in this coming season, and that is after the football season will have concluded, and there is no Sabres game during our Monday Night Football Game on November 17th. THE GODS OF HOCKEY AND FOOTBALL ARE CONSPIRING TO HELP ME IN MY QUEST.

Ok, so anyone who can help me out in my quest and won't be condescending when I ask stupid questions, let me know! I'M AN EXCELLENT BAKER, I'LL MAKE YOU COOKIES OR WHATEVER SUITS YER FANCY. WOO! K, thanks! Bye!