Sunday, July 20, 2008

A Seriously Perplexing Issue at Hand

by Anne

Hello, my name is Anne and I like lists.

We are a family of list makers, my mom, my aunt, my sister and myself. We like things in lists. To-do, grocery, naming all NFL teams whilst bored in meetings, listing all 50 states, etc.

So, it is HIGHLY perplexing to me that my #5 spot of favorite Sabre must remain vacant for so long (meaning 2 weeks).

Here's a refresher:

1. Pommer
2. Pie/Sissy
3. Yo-yo
4. Goose
5. Blankety Blank (f0rmerly Big Bear)

S(h)ara and I discussed the potential successors to this position in great detail tonight.

There was a brief attempt to point out that there are already 5 players on that list and 2 are tied for 2nd. However, I am completely unable to commit to Paille or Spacek as my #2, so the two remain tied, its like if the King had twin sons and no one recorded which one was technically born first, so who is the heir apparent? It is a title unable to be determined by we mere mortals.

Jason Pominville's tushy is currently seated in the throne of my SabreHeart, but his hold is tenuous. My love is like a tornado, it changes suddenly and without warning; it can be catastrophic. I can all but guarantee that he will not fall out of my top 5, but if he does, LOOK OUT. The only way this could not mean CHAOS in my SabreHeart is if Pommer is ousted specifically so that a new #1 may be immediately crowned. If he's ousted because he suddenly loses his mind and becomes terrible and a new player must assume the throne, how could I possibly choose between PieYAY! and Sissy? There would need to be physical challenges and American Gladiator style battles (which is funny because neither of them are American). I'm also envisioning a cook-off and someone hiring me a personal driver and daily massages. I'm not sure if a more scientific selection process exists?! If it does, please let me know.

There is absolutely no chance that Yo-yo could ever lose my love. Jochen Hecht could hold our mascot, my kitty, Oscar at gunpoint and I'd still love his mint green mouth guard and inhumanly adorable lisp. He is up there to stay.



Remember when Yo-yo wore #71?
Yeah, neither do I.


But remember that time he was injured this season and we got a totally adorable intermission interview with Yo-yo in his adorable suit coupled with his adorable lisp and his over all amazingly awesome consistent defensive style of play? I'm pretty sure my heart literally exploded at that moment. AND WHEN HE SCORED GOAL #20 AND I ACCIDENTALLY HIGH-FIVED A LAMP BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED!!

Then there's Goose. He is currently 4 out of 4 of my top Sabres, yet he has an iron grip on his spot. S(h)ara said that for him to be knocked out "Goose would have to drive to Vancouver, stab Big Bear, and then come back and play for Ottawa" TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN. Add to that a twirly evil mustache and tying Pommer to train tracks and he still might be able to keep his spot.

As always, this list is subject to change, but I'm sure it will be a mere rotation, and none of these boys (unless they lose their minds and start to suck out loud) will be completely demoted off the list. I mean, really, its not like they're Drew Stafford! Who I'm secretly hoping can worm his way back into my heart, btw.

I'm a fan of the strong but silent type. The kind of player who does his thing, plays his role well and doesn't expect a big hoopla over it. Pommer scores goals and works hard, and never shies away from criticism. Pie does the same and both are amazingly humble about it all, Sissy throws the hits and has his BULLET from the blueline on the power play. Goose provides the energy and the physical presence. Yoyo is the defensive-minded forward of my hopes and dreams. He sets up Pommer and they play extremely well together. I like modesty, it makes me smile, especially when the player is totally kick-ass, like all of these gentlemen are.

Only time will tell who will fill out my list. S(h)ara is pretty convinced it'll be Craig Rivet. Or, rather, she's pretty sure I'll fall in love with him, regardless of if he's top 5 or not. I'm thinking its going to be a battle among Staffy, Kaleta, Rivet and Grizz. Who knows, I could suddenly find myself drawn to Adam Mair's energy line style of play. Kotalik scores on the PP a lot, that could catch my fancy. Sekera or Weber could be my defensive all-star I've been waiting for. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.



Private to Ryan Miller:

Of course you're still my secret favorite Sabre and I literally squeal a little with joy that we've signed you everytime I think about it. YEEEE!

However, I should really let you know why you're my "secret" favorite player and not my flat-out "favorite player". Here is the sad but honest truth: I'm secretly afraid you'll suddenly flake out and be a huge disappointment someday.

Millsey! I'm sorry! Don't take this the wrong way! I don't want that to happen, of course! But, I've been burned in the past! I used to love Staffy and he exploded under the burden of my love! Ryan, I kind of love Tim Connolly. THINGS ARE TOUGH. I know! I'm weak!

So Ryan, I love you. It's true. But you'll be on my special reserve list. Perhaps someday this season, or maybe when you retire, I can truly let my love be known. For know, let's keep this between you and me.... and the people that read this blog...whoops.

Love,
Anne

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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