Friday, July 25, 2008

Tim Connolly is a Master of Rhetoric

by Anne

So S(h)ara and I along with friends Christina and Allison hit up Thursday at the Square last night for the Gin Blossoms and let me just say:

WE WERE TOTALLY RIGHT DOWN FRONT CENTER AND THE LEAD SINGER TOTALLY LOVED US AND THE CONCERT WAS TOTALLY AWESEOME AND LET'S DO IT AGAIN SOME TIME, GIN BLOSSOMS, OK?!!!!!!11!!!!

Ahem, now that I've gotten that off my chest.

Then we trucked it down to Chippewa, tired as we were, to meet up with some of S(h)ara's amigos that were at a bar.

There we encountered a friend of S(h)ara's who we shall call Ethel (name changed to protect the innocent).

Well Ethel, like ourselves, is a hockey fan, and she had some fun stories to tell like about how she went down to Raleigh for Game 5 of the 2006 ECF against (duh) Carolina. (Who else would they be playing in Raleigh, Anne?)

Anyway, she also had some fun stories about everyone's favorite skeezy Sabre whoremonger, this guy:

Oy.



Break me off a piece of that.

I used the 2nd picture specifically because it was probably taken in the same season or so that these stories took place. This is vintage Timmy shenanigans.

Ok, so story #1 goes like this:

In roughly 2002ish, Ethel tells us that some moms (I'm not sure if her own was involved), but regardless, some women of roughly that age decided to give a social life one last hurrah and head out downtown. Their destination of choice was Liars. An interesting choice, but I'll roll with it for the sake of the story.

Anyway, also in Liars that night was a young fresh-faced, newly traded to Buffalo, roughly 21 year old Tim Connolly.

So these ladies were bumpin and grindin and sipping their beverages when Timmy seizes the opportunity to work toward becoming the playa (not hockey) that we know him to be today. Timmy probably finished off his 4th cosmo to muster up some liquid courage, and headed over to work his magic. Here's roughly how the conversation went down after the presumably awkward "hello" portion:

Tim: How old are you?

Lady: 44

Tim: I'm 21...

Problem, right? NOT FOR OUR TIMMY! Then he added this gem:

"You know, we're both in our sexual primes."

CLAP CLAP CLAP Wow Timmy, just WOW. What a line. That was inspired. I am truly at a loss as to what I would say to that comment.

I get the distinct impression that if Lady had said ANY age from 16-80 he would've responded with the same gem of a pickup line. Did he research this? Was this filed away in the back of his mind to use in case he came across an older lady he fancied? Did he hear this line from someone else and decided it was pure gold? Magical.

Anyway, the next stories comes from the same ladies at the same club, but on a totally different night:

Timmykins was at the bar with one of his homeboys (not a Sabre, I don't think) when he saw the same cougar he had been fancying in the other instance. So he tries a new tactic to land his lady love. He downed his Appletini and headed over with his bro, a new tactic planned.

After the presumably awkward "hello"s and probably another crack at the "sexual prime" plan of attack, Timmy threw this one into the mix:

"We should have a make out contest and you can tell us who's better, me or my friend."

Lady declined.

HAHAHAHAAHA. WHAT?! IS THIS 7TH GRADE? WAS THERE A CLOSET WHERE THEY COULD PLAY 7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN? DID HIS "BRO" TRIPLE DOG DARE HIM TO SAY THAT?! GENIUS.

Tim Connolly = The modern day Casanova

Ladies of Buffalo, we are not worthy.

One can only hope Tim owned his favorite shiny shirt in 2002 and was wearing it his night to highlight his studliness and sheer animal sexuality.

Is it wrong of me to want to dye my hair blonde in the hopes Tim Connolly will approach me and say dirty awful things to me?!?! Let me know if I'm just nuts or I should seriously look into this. I have always wanted to be blonde. And I have always wanted to encounter Timmy's creepiness in person. Perhaps this is too far to go to know the truth. I'll leave that to Mulder and Scully.




Private to Darcy Regier:

Dear Darcy,

Hey Darcy! How's it going? Thanks for signing Ryan Miller and Goose and Pie and Grizz. That was super nice of you. I'm like 90% over the Big Bear trade... until I see a picture of him, then I'm back at 0% over it, but I digress.

Onto the purpose of my message:

Please. Please. PLEASE do not trade Tim Connolly. Yes I know he's injured a lot and he's kind of a douche bag out of the dressing room, so one can assume he probably is whilst IN the dressing room...

But, COME ON! If you trade him, who will we have to give us these downtown Buffalo creepy Sabre encounter gems? PURE GOLD THEY ARE, PURE GOLD. Unless you can trade for a player who is even sluttier, then we can talk.

Thanks for working on the Teppo and Pommer things too. And if you could find room for Mikey Ryan too, we in the blogosphere would appreciate it as the loss and devastation from My Safety is Harvard. would be too much for us all to handle.

Thanks!

Love,
Anne

9 comments:

  1. "You know, we're both in our sexual primes."

    HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAhahahhHAAAAHAhaa

    I love TIm Connolly. I miss the days when he had hair.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "You know, we're both in our sexual primes."

    I WANT THIS PHRASE CROSS STITCHED ON A PILLOW AND IN MY LIVING ROOM FOR ETERNITY.

    My love for Tim Connolly is infinite. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Gin Blossoms last night = so awesome.

    And ahahahahhahahahahhhaomg at Tim. He really never can leave... these stories/the things he does just makes everything complete.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love TIm Connolly. I miss the days when he had hair.

    I love him and his hilarious existence as well. I honestly don't remember Timmy with hair. Like I know he played for us when he did, but I don't remember it. It's like I blocked it out of my memory.

    ReplyDelete

  5. I WANT THIS PHRASE CROSS STITCHED ON A PILLOW AND IN MY LIVING ROOM FOR ETERNITY.


    Haha I KNOW! I would give my left leg to hear Tim Connolly say that to me. I meant, wow I don't know what I'd do, I think I'd just start clapping, and walk away, knowing there was no way anyone could top that statement and just go home on a high note.

    ReplyDelete
  6. He really never can leave... these stories/the things he does just makes everything complete.

    Who would be the next Sabres Casanova? No one on the current roster strikes me as the next Love Machine. He has to stay until we can find a suitable replacement,

    ReplyDelete
  7. Part of me wonders if Timmy reads Cosmo and uses the info he gleans from it as the basis for his pickup lines. That "we're both in our sexual prime" thing sounds like it came straight from their "50 Things That Make Sex Awesome" article or something.

    Unless you can trade for a player who is even sluttier, then we can talk.

    I shudder to think about such a thing even happening.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That "we're both in our sexual prime" thing sounds like it came straight from their "50 Things That Make Sex Awesome" article or something.

    I'm sure it is. He probably reads all those articles where women write about the great things some guy said to them. Timmy probably marks them all down on index cards and files them away for future use.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh TimmyHo. I don't know what I would do for entertainment without these stories, which is why Timmy can never leave.

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

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