Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Dear Chicago: I'm Sorry

By S(h)ara

It started as just another routine Cubs game, last night in the Windy City. Families were out enjoying the evening and the game as the Cubs played the Astros.

Then, terror struck.

Families were brought to their knees as Brian Campbell belted out the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame".

"I've never seen anything like this." A horrified security team member was quoted as saying. "Children were crying, people were throwing up, and I'm pretty sure a swarm of locusts descended on the field."

"What did the City of Chicago ever do to you, Brian Campbell?! Why would you do this to us?" a Cubs fan screamed as he tried to stop his eardrums from bleeding.

Campbell could not be reached for comment, but reporters were directed to the youtube video of him singing at the Bucking Buffalo, as an example of his "fine vocal stylings".

A support hotline has been set up for anyone harmed in last night's horror.

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Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

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