Friday, January 16, 2009

Cooking With the Pirates

by Anne

I checked this morning, surprised to find the link for the cooking segment with Derek Whitmore and Jimmy Bonneau already up on the Pirates website. Basically the cooking segment only could've been more ridiculous if Salty Pete and Crackers were the ones cooking up the grub, so here it is for all to enjoy:

Ok, I tried to embed it but the code is screwed up, so here's the link!

Inspired by many liveblogs over at IPB, I've decided to give it a go and break down the segment as it happens.

5:32 The video starts off with Jimmy Bonneau looking all tall and French and kind of dreamy and Derek Whitmore looking all embarrassed and uncomfortable with his haphazardly placed apron. Jimmy, uncertain of how this cooking segment stuff works, is inching his way towards dumping some ingredients in a bowl before we've even declared what we're making here.

5:17 Recipe time! The reason for Derek's embarrassment is made known as it is revealed the "Official Lasagna of the Portland Pirates" is actually the "Official Lasagna of Derek's Mom." Mama Whitmore must be so proud.

4:57 Derek, for some reason, decides that bare-handedly reaching into a pot of what he later declares is still hot water is an excellent idea for the viewers at home. I'm sure Mama Whitmore doesn't do that. Also, please count the number of times Derek says "noodles" in his video. In fact, after this recap is concluded, I will refer to Derek Whitmore exclusively as "Noodles".

4:50 Apparently transferring the noodles immediately into a bowl and then immediately into the baking dish is a required step in the Official Lasagna of the Portland Pirates. I suppose this could be a metaphor for pro hockey. The noodles are the players, the bowl? Portland. The pan? Buffalo and the NHL. Hey, the pan is kind of shaped like a hockey rink...

4:40 Jimmy Bonneau starts speaking and my heart stops because he basically sounds exactly like Steve Bernier. For those keeping track, that means I'm in love. He finally gets to crack the egg he's been holding almost since the segment began. Jimmy uses the unorthodox method of smacking the egg with a fork in order to crack it. Is this a Mama Whitmore sanctioned technique? Also, I could listen to him say the word "parsley" all day.

4:14 Our host (whose name I never firgured out) discusses that Jimmy and Derek are roommates and asks about their cooking styles. Jimmy says Derek is oriental but declares that he personally is "all about meat". Derek begins a half an hour process to lay four noodles onto the bottom of the baking dish and explains his methodology of partial layering. If it always takes them this long to cook, they'd better get a serious headstart on dinner preparations every night.

3:12 MAKE IT STOP! Jimmy starts stirring his ceramic bowl of whatevs with a fork, and for those who might not cook often, the sound of metal fork tines scraping on ceramic sounds not unlike nails on a chalkboard. I really don't hear the next few seconds over the scraping.

2:55 Jimmy "Meat Lover" Bonneau starts discussing using beef or bison meat in the sauce for this recipe. I'm not sure if I wish he had said "Buffalo" or not.

2:46 Blah blah blah, diet of a pro athlete, chicken, carbs, etc. etc.

2:10 Derek tells a story of someone calling Matt MacDonald fat during a game. I'm sure Matt is an emotional eater and that story being told on air and now recapped in this blog has driven him back to the Ho-Hos and Bagel Bites. Well played, Mr. Whitmore.

1:46 Derek begins hurling globs of ricotta at the noodles in the pan as Jimmy moves the bowl of mozzarella so that the camera may properly film the cheese throwing. Look! the moving of the mozzarella bowl reveals the tongs that were undoubtedly left on the counter for Derek to use to remove the pasta from the hot pot of water as opposed to his method of dunking his hands in, full throttle.

1:00 Derek needs to bust out a dictionary and look-up the definition of "horizontal" and "vertical" as he discusses Mama Whitmore's crosshatch style of noodle layering.

0:46 Jimmy takes the partially finished pan of lasagna and puts it into the oven, revealing the conveniently placed already finished lasagna. Jimmy decides to kill the TV magic as he takes out the finished lasagna out of what is supposed to be a 350 degree oven- with his bare hands.

0:20 Once again our host needs to remind us all that Derek's Mom is the author of this rare and exotic recipe and Derek is forced to sheepishly admit, as he has multiple times throughout this segment, that his Mom helped him prep for this segment. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

0:00 Considering Derek is a Rochester boy, I think Mrs. W. should invite us over for some of that lasagna, especially because this blog is one of the first few hits when you search "Derek Whitmore" in Google.

6 comments:

  1. Loved the video. Esp. the fact that Derek mentioned a bunch of times, "That what my mom says to do".... love it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jimmy Bonneau starts speaking and my heart stops because he basically sounds exactly like Steve Bernier. For those keeping track, that means I'm in love.

    No, not you, Anne. That doesn't sound like you at ALL... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Loved the video. Esp. the fact that Derek mentioned a bunch of times, "That what my mom says to do".... love it!


    Its so cute! I'm sure his Mom was excited about them using her recipe.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No, not you, Anne. That doesn't sound like you at ALL... ;)

    I am nothing if not consistent, haha.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I could listen to him say the word "parsley" all day.
    Same. Here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. His voice doesn't match what I thought it was going to be. In fact it's even cuter which makes me love him even more if that's possible.

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


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