Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Crimson Lady Fans

by Anne

Now that I have time to kill (aka a paper to write) I can fully explore Scarlet Caps.

This website feels less like a hockey fan club and more like the teaser for some sort of escort service being provided in the greater Washington D.C. area.

When you first open the page you are greeted with a brief menu of gents to scroll through with a photo and their physical stats listed with a promise of a "full bio" and more gents to choose from. They don't list their hourly rates, though. I suppose that's the next step after you contact the service.

You could have cut out the middle man and attended the singles mingle cocktail party if you'd gotten your tickets before now and you live in Virginia. In case you were wondering: "Current Capitals will be in attendance." Awwwwww yeah.


I hope David Steckel and his d-bag hair will be there
No word on if Mike "Flock of Seagulls" Green will be making an appearance

They give you a "Hockey 101" section so you can talk about hockey with hockey players at a hockey fan club meeting for hockey's lady fans. I'm sure that all hockey players want to talk about when they're away from the ice is hockey. I know I just LOVE discussing papers and teaching when I'm not at school. Its just the greatest.

The Hockey 101 section will probably be beneficial to some people, but I get the impression that if you're at that site already you probably already know what an "assist" is.

However, in their "Hockey Lingo" section, one can find the following:

Ice Resurfacer:

The vehicle used to resurface the ice before the game and after each period. The machine scrapes a thin layer off the ice, heats it and puts down a fresh coat of warm water that freezes to form a new, smooth layer of ice.

Or a "zamboni?" Ladies, call it a zamboni. You will only succeed in sounding like a moron if you call it an "ice resurfacer" even if you do know what it does.

As we can all clearly see, we at Sabretooth's House have NO qualms about scouring the internets for pictures of hockey players that make us weak in the knees, so you will not receive any complaints from us about the now readily available and entertaining pictures of the Caps.


Brian Pothier is ready to take it all off...
...except his wedding ring


There is, of course, a blog. The post is perfectly nice and there has been a lot of positive feedback from female Caps fans. Right on, sisters! Do your thang. Although, I'd steer clear of the chick who left this comment:

This is awesome!! My husband and I go to Caps games all the time! He proposed on the way to a Caps game and we planned our wedding at a Caps game ( no we didn't get married at a Caps game!!).
I'm the one in the household buying all the hockey tickets!!!! Last year when we won the division, I had my body spray painted before the game and when we won, I took my clothes off!! ( I had on red underware[sic] !! ) No kids in my house !!
I'm loving life and I love the Caps !!!
She really likes exclamation points!!!


Dear Buffalo Sabres,

Please don't do this. Except for that cocktail party. That sounds like a fun time.

Love,
The Majority of Your Female Fanbase

8 comments:

  1. HAHA! David Steckel's a bro! He even popped his polo. Argh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If the Sabres did something like this, I'd seriously have to wonder what crack pipe the front office was smoking. I think they have too much respect for the fanbase and realize that most of Buffalo is hockey literate.

    Regarding the "ice resurfacer," all Zambonis are ice resurfacers, but not all ice resurfacers are Zambonis. The Zamboni is the hockey equivalent of Kleenex, in that regard. And I do remember reading that Zamboni was pretty protective of its name, so I wonder if they didn't give their blessing for the name to be used on the site?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for assuming I'd agree, Anne. And I do agree that the cocktail party would be fabulous!

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA! David Steckel's a bro! He even popped his polo. Argh.


    He probably drinks vodka cranberry and wears sunglasses at clubs.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Regarding the "ice resurfacer," all Zambonis are ice resurfacers, but not all ice resurfacers are Zambonis. The Zamboni is the hockey equivalent of Kleenex, in that regard. And I do remember reading that Zamboni was pretty protective of its name, so I wonder if they didn't give their blessing for the name to be used on the site?

    That's what I assumed but for reals, could you imagine a legitimate hockey fan who called it an "ice resurfacer?" haha

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for assuming I'd agree, Anne. And I do agree that the cocktail party would be fabulous!


    I'm pretty sure there are some female Sabres fans who'd be down with this club idea but I'm pretty sure ALL female Sabres fans would be down with that cocktail party.

    ReplyDelete
  7. When i see Brian Pothier's name i think "he fell during game 3 in overtime against ottawa and Pyatt took the puck, passed it to Dumont and GOAL..." i guess i am a different female hockey fan. their hottness is clearly #3 or #4 on my list.

    ReplyDelete
  8. mapgirl_caps_fanMarch 1, 2009 at 8:03 PM

    Sadly, the Caps do not use a Zam. They have two Olympias.

    ReplyDelete

Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny


Disclaimer, yo.

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We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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