Team USA or Camp Morningwood? You Decide

by Anne

I was only kidding when I said Team USA Mini Camp was like Sleep Away Camp for NHLers. However, Adam Burish's recent blog post has done nothing to convince me that it's not. It's got such a "Dear Mom and Dad" feeling to it. Here's a sampling:

On Monday, we woke up and went to practice. Following practice the coaches informed us they set up an afternoon of paintballing for the team. So we all jumped on the bus and drove a half hour outside of Portland to a paintball field.

So the coaches are like the counselors, apparently. Are these kids so easily distracted and won't hang out with their teammates that they coaches have to create organized group outings for them? Did they have to pair off on the buddy system? They were the "old" (25+) guys v. the "young" guys (24 and younger). What is that like Halpie, Pommer and Tim Tom v. everyone else? Did Staffy and Zachy Poo use Gerb-dogg as a shield as part of their master plan of attack? Something tells me Tim Tom still fired at will. I bet Kaner was their Benedict Arnold. He totes chose new Big Brother Pommerdoodle over the Thrashmetal Zombie.

The funniest part of the experience was right when we showed up Matt Greene and Zach Parise went right to the middle of the field and on the count of three started shooting point blank at each other as we all looked on.

We've uncovered the secret to the downfall of the Edmonton Oilers and New Jersey Devils: Zachary "One smile and all is forgiven" Parise and Matt "Corner me and get me to tell you a story" Greene do not get that you aren't supposed to open fire on your own teammate. That is BAD for your team if your teammate is incapacitated. Way to alternately lead, Alternate Captain Zachy-poo.

Yes, ladies and gents, these fine young men represent our nation. Tears come to the eyes.

A group of lobstermen, who are men that catch lobsters for a living, hosted our whole team and staff for an unbelievable dinner of fresh caught lobsters, clams and mussels.

Thank you for clarifying, Adam Burish. Here I was, perpelxed that there was a host of gigantically-clawed half-men half-fish roaming Portland, Maine freely stuffing the faces of passing hockey players with seafood.

Although, yo, Team USA sounds like a BLAST. I bet Team Canada is all regimented and "DON CHERRY SAYS WE'RE THE BEST!" and don't have fun group outings. Even the massage therapist got in on the action and ate 3 lobsters. That's AWESOME. I would totally rather hang out with Team USA.

I hear Dmitri Kalinin is a funny guy. I bet he and Ovie are creating all sorts of glorious Soviet mischief and Afinogenov doesn't think its funny.

Team USA starts off the Tournament on Friday against Latvia at 7:15 EDT. You can watch the games here.