Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Team USA or Camp Morningwood? You Decide

by Anne

I was only kidding when I said Team USA Mini Camp was like Sleep Away Camp for NHLers. However, Adam Burish's recent blog post has done nothing to convince me that it's not. It's got such a "Dear Mom and Dad" feeling to it. Here's a sampling:

On Monday, we woke up and went to practice. Following practice the coaches informed us they set up an afternoon of paintballing for the team. So we all jumped on the bus and drove a half hour outside of Portland to a paintball field.

So the coaches are like the counselors, apparently. Are these kids so easily distracted and won't hang out with their teammates that they coaches have to create organized group outings for them? Did they have to pair off on the buddy system? They were the "old" (25+) guys v. the "young" guys (24 and younger). What is that like Halpie, Pommer and Tim Tom v. everyone else? Did Staffy and Zachy Poo use Gerb-dogg as a shield as part of their master plan of attack? Something tells me Tim Tom still fired at will. I bet Kaner was their Benedict Arnold. He totes chose new Big Brother Pommerdoodle over the Thrashmetal Zombie.

The funniest part of the experience was right when we showed up Matt Greene and Zach Parise went right to the middle of the field and on the count of three started shooting point blank at each other as we all looked on.

We've uncovered the secret to the downfall of the Edmonton Oilers and New Jersey Devils: Zachary "One smile and all is forgiven" Parise and Matt "Corner me and get me to tell you a story" Greene do not get that you aren't supposed to open fire on your own teammate. That is BAD for your team if your teammate is incapacitated. Way to alternately lead, Alternate Captain Zachy-poo.

Yes, ladies and gents, these fine young men represent our nation. Tears come to the eyes.

A group of lobstermen, who are men that catch lobsters for a living, hosted our whole team and staff for an unbelievable dinner of fresh caught lobsters, clams and mussels.

Thank you for clarifying, Adam Burish. Here I was, perpelxed that there was a host of gigantically-clawed half-men half-fish roaming Portland, Maine freely stuffing the faces of passing hockey players with seafood.

Although, yo, Team USA sounds like a BLAST. I bet Team Canada is all regimented and "DON CHERRY SAYS WE'RE THE BEST!" and don't have fun group outings. Even the massage therapist got in on the action and ate 3 lobsters. That's AWESOME. I would totally rather hang out with Team USA.

I hear Dmitri Kalinin is a funny guy. I bet he and Ovie are creating all sorts of glorious Soviet mischief and Afinogenov doesn't think its funny.
Team USA starts off the Tournament on Friday against Latvia at 7:15 EDT. You can watch the games here.


  1. Thank you for the camper diary, Adam Burish!

    The idea of Pommers in full paintball gear is really making me laugh for some reason!

    I love when teams do dorky bonding stuff like reminds me of when Lindy took the boys bowling this year. And I can totally picture Royzie lamenting his boring team after getting messages from Staffy and Pommers about their AWESOME lobster-fest.

    Thank you for clarifying, Adam Burish

    I shall forever refer to Adam Burish as "Captain Obvious" now!

  2. ahh the lovely, and don't forget intelligent! men that are representing our country. It'd be fun to paintball with them. Or eat lobsters. or anything really.

    LOL @ Team Canada.

    I wish I could watch games, but really, WHY are all of Canada's games at 3:15? I am NOT available at 3:15, like ever. GRRRR.

  3. *same anonymous from before*

    Imagine my surprise when I'm at work making sandwiches and Gerbs himself is in my line, Team USA hat and all(backwards of course). He orders his turkey, cheddar, and lettuce sandwich on wheat and I go "Waittt shouldn't you be in Maine?"

    He says "Um, I got cut."

    Bummer!!! At least the poor kid's back in time for finals. By the way, I guess he'll be at BC all summer, unless he decides to go to Buffalo.

  4. Molly-

    Noooo!!! Gerb-dogg! That's so sad! Although, I'm pretty sure Sam Gagner was cut from Team Canada and he played in the NHL this season.

    Sad times. Gerbalicious should probably stay and finish his degree...(that's the future mom in me) or he should totally come to Buffalo and we can hang out (that's the REAl me).

  5. Ohhh I really want the little guy to stay. He'd be alternate captain! Plus to be honest, I'm a bit afraid for him in the NHL. But I know your Sabres will take care of him whenever he decides to go to Buffalo.

    By the way, my facebook mini-feed informs me that "Nate Gerbe is looking for a special someone." Hey girls, that either means that he's been listening to Taylor Swift or that we have a chance.


Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

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