Wednesday, June 11, 2008

And the Winner Is...

by Anne

In a poll most would deem crass and inappropriate, I am pleased to see that we got by far the most votes. WOO!

Here are the poll results for the question: "Which of these people would you be least surprised to see agreeing to pose for Playgirl Magazine?"

By your votes:

#5 Thomas Vanek (0%)

Apparently you all assume that 10 million dollar babydaddy and soon to be newly wed SabreBritney is as pure as the driven snow that fills our Buffalo lawns each winter. Not one single person thought that Britney would show us the money in Playgirl. That's ok, I only put him in there because, let's face it, Britney is not all that interesting or smokin' hot. Maybe it'd be a good way to spice up his career? Um, on second thought, please just stick to scoring goals, Mr. Vanek. You're pretty good at that. And your fiance is a babe, she might not approve. Then you'd have to marry some skank ho. Don't do that.

This is all the skin you'll expect to see from Britney:
I'm not sure how I feel about the shirt and tie combo, but I can get over it
That's fine. I figured SOMEONE would expect it from him, but I guess I thought wrong.

#4 Andrew Peters (8%)

I assume it would got a long way toward bringing Andrew Peters some notoriety in the press if he were to bare it all for the women of the world. He's got lots of downtime, he could be farming out offers to various adult publications. Alas, as is probably the truth, most of us assume he would not do this. Yay Petey!!!

Perhaps what he and Vanek have in common is that whilst they are professional hockey players, they both are humble about what they do. We all see that Britney, in times of HockeyPeril is the first to say what we're all thinking about his performance: that it just isn't good enough. Petey knows his role on the team, and embraces it, involving himself in other projects in the community. Therefore, it doesn't surprise me that so few people decided it wouldn't be odd to see him flashin' the goods in Playgirl.

Petey's so sad you all don't think he'd pose for playgirl over his current and former teammates. He'll try harder this coming season to prove otherwise.

#3 Brian Campbell (22%)

I thought Mr. Campbell would've placed no lower than second in this poll, so giving him the Bronze Medal is quite shocking to the system

We all see that Soupy clearly thinks he is the cat's pajamas but most would expect him to keep on those pajamas.

He freakin' turned down $5 million/season to play here because he assumed he could get more. He might be right, but that takes some serious family jewels to reject a team you supposedly love's offer... family jewels that few of you would expect to see gracing our newsstands.

Perhaps to supplement his income when he has to settle for less...? Wait. Why am I trying to FIND reasons for Soupy to pose au natural? YICK.

These girls would buy a Playgirl with a Soupy centerfold

This girl too.
Honey, you have a lovely smile, you can do better!!!

#2 Tim Connolly (33%)

I'm surprised Timmy wasn't the runaway favorite in this. I definitely voted for him. I assumed he'd be the undisputed champion of expected smut.

We all know how much TimmyHo must love Timmy Jr. And, let's face it, Timmy Jr. is probably in great shape. He works out a lot. If Timmy Jr. were a person he'd be in better physical shape that Sidney Crosby. Why not get him all gussied up to pose as a naughty cowboy in Playgirl or a fireman or whatever it is men do in Playgirl...maybe I should've looked into that. Meh.

Try to wrap your brain around this:

The bald non-smiling dude in the shiny shirt has gotten 10,000x more booty than Jason Pominville, all-around good guy. Ok, so this picture makes Pommer look rather vacant and scared, but he's wearing roughly the same facial expression I'd have if Tim Connolly were rubbin' up on me too. Tim probably went home and boned both of those girls and their moms...twice.

Ladies! By wrap "your brain around this", I did not really mean "your legs around Tim Connolly". Take note.

Now that I think about it, why would Timmy pose for playgirl? Half of the women in the world have seen his pork and beans and lived to tell the tale. Most of Playgirl's target audience has already had a turn on the Tim-a-Whirl. It's just not good business sense for them to do a 4 page spread on the Timster.

However, apparently a few more of you think it more likely that our final contestant would oil himself up for the pages of playgirl:

#1 Derek Roy (36%)

I cannot stop LOLing at the thought of our Lil' Roysie flexing and sweating in the pages of Playgirl. COULD YOU IMAGINE. I WOULD BUY EVERY COPY AND GIVE THEM AS GIFTS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

Derek listens intently as I pitch pictorial concepts at him.
Two words Derek: Naked Skydiving. Think about it. Call me.

Derek: Do YOU think I should pose for Playgirl, RIT reporter girl?

I have some difficulty envisioning a grown man who I frequently talk about in the same voice I use to talk to my cat (He's so LITTLE!!) lying bare-assed on a bear skin rug for the ladies of Buffalo. Not that I wouldn't love every second of it and tell my grandchildren about it at family reunions some day.

Roysie actually looks.... cute here.

Well, there ya have it. You would all be least surprised to see Derek Roy signing on the dotted line for his centerfold spread in Playgirl. WOW. What an eye opening experience this poll and post have been. This upcoming poll shall be more tame, with the occasional spicy topic mixed in. But ya can't be too spicy all the time, cuz then it just gets old. Unless you're Big Bear. Then you can be spicy all the time:

I just want to hug him, is that so wrong?
Doesn't Barney look like he'd be a great hugger?
And now, I don't mean anything "unseemly" by that.... or DO I?!?!?

He's spicy in San Jose.

Aaaaand in Buffalo.
I found this in Webshots, and if M.J. doesn't already have it, she needs to have it:

Aw, Mikey. Come back next season!


  1. Vanek-10 million dollar babydaddy? hahahhaha I love it.

    I voted for Roy. I can just see it. I think Soupy would ask for too much money, "$12 mill, no less."

  2. Soupy highly prizes Soupy Jr. He wants Brangelina baby money to pose.

  3. Vanek - too straight-laced; he prolly showers with his undies on.

    Petey - I might could see him doing it for a little publicity and some laughs, but not bearing it ALL, just a peek.

    Soupy - Ugh!!! Yeah, he would probably think his "firecrotch" would be worth too much. I'd pay him 12 mil to keep his clothes ON.

    TimmyHo - He would do it for free, he seems to do a lot of stuff for free, but he should be careful, he may get a "lower body injury" while getting up off of the bear skin rug and then he'd be out 1/2 of the upcoming season.

    Roysie - Absolutely would do it. He's such a little firecracker, he'd want to world to know.

  4. I voted for Roy too...

    But what the heck is Timmy wearing in that picture? Is it velvet? Grosssss.

  5. Can we send the poll results to Royzie as a hint? LOL

    Polls is fun! :)

  6. Jennifer, I loved that you whipped out the word firecrotch. I use that for Soupy but I never say it on my blog because I didn't know if people would be offended. :P You never know if there are red headed readers...

  7. If there are red headed readers, please don't be offended. I only use that term on Soupy, 'cause he deserves it and he's gross. I didn't like him as a Sabre and I'm glad he's moved on.

  8. Ew, I was very able to overlook Soupy's complete lack of sex appeal when he was a Sabre... ok not enough to actually find him attractive, but enough to accept those who did.

    It's really weird that now that he's no longer a Sabre I find him totally repulsive, ha. Ok that's harsh... but I find very little saving him now that he doesn't wear the slug.

  9. ...I find him totally repulsive,...

    That's not harsh. Sometimes the truth hurts. I'm sure someone out there loves him and is perfect for him, but with there being so many other non-gross guys out there, I gotta ask, why Soupy???

  10. I gotta ask, why Soupy???

    Million dollar question!

  11. I demand more pictures of Burly Bear Bernier!!


Glossary... Sort of

  • "Ryan Miller" Shutout - A 58 minute multi-goal shutout lead that is blown by Miller allowing one meaningless goal
  • Britney or SabreBritney - Thomas Vanek
  • Butter Snaps - Carolina Hurricanes
  • Craigory - Craig Rivet
  • Full Monty - Steve Montador
  • Greener - MATT Greene (LAK)
  • JBG - Jolly Blonde Giant - Tyler Myers
  • Little Foot - Drew Stafford
  • MK - Anne's sister; often leaves nonsensical comments under her Twitter name Mmmkizzle
  • Noodles - Derek Whitmore
  • Oscar - Anne's cat and STH's unofficial mascot
  • Parsley - Jimmy Bonneau
  • Sir Christopher - Chris Butler
  • Sissy - Jaroslav Spacek
  • Telly Monster - Mikael Tellqvist

Because It's Never not Funny

Disclaimer, yo.

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We have nothing to do with the Buffalo Sabres, the National Hockey League or the actual "Sabretooth's House" located in HSBC Arena, we're just borrowing the name. If anyone is offended by anything we've written, get over it, it's a personal blog, not an accredited news source.

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